From someone who lived his marriage window years in a racist country, lost his fiance due to racism of the family, and listening to people giving empty words of comfort instead of solutions by saying that “everyone has their timeline”, I have gone past the point of having a family and am preparing a life of solitude.
Gone are the days of energetic smiles, and in are the days of high blood pressure medication and visceral fat. What woman would love that? Plus if they want better of me, I expect better from them. After all, I waited this long, so shouldn’t I deserve the best? A great brain wrapped in an attractive body?
Most people get to enjoy getting old together in a relationship, matching gut to gut and wrinkle to wrinkle. I have watched others grow old and happy and have merged their genetics to pop out another (or two) inquisitive minds?
I spent my childhood preparing for this as my father was an awful father who did not care about answering questions. I molded myself to be a father who could answer, show, and guide. When my window closed, all those skills became useless until my father and mother left me homeless to die as they enjoy their three houses and three cars and their in ground swimming pool. All materialisms that could have saved their own child’s life.
Nah. Nobody has just their own timeline, because we all live roughly the same amount of time, and we retire at the same amount of time. I am 42 and if I am at the end of my window to have an only child. I would have to support my child until I turn 64. Women have that closing window of menopause.
People need to realize that words of comfort don’t fit into the reality of the world. Most of those people who sympathize are usually people who have more. But you don’t need sympathy, you need empathy and support and solutions.
One question: How much resentment do you have towards your father?
The reason: Often, trauma responses subconsciously prevent us from making progress, though on the surface we may feel or look different. Maybe think about this a bit and I suggest the book ‘It didn’t start with you’. It will give you a new perspective.
Well not to create a conversation based in the comment section, I don’t resent my father as in the way it caused trauma. It created a “me” where I became a robot, because emotions don’t work in my family.
Anyways, I’m currently reading “A thousand beginnings and endings”. More into fun books than self help books, because I’ve been through too much to require self help.
I don’t resent my family nor people who have treated me badly. Now I see people as they are and not idolize them as parents who raised me, because if they were a parent in another family, I would not have respect for way they would have treated their child.
I don’t need a further relationship with people except if they earn my trust and respect or not. I did fall in love once, but she picked her family over me, which is logical and understandable. Her father was racist and didn’t allow her to be with me, but her family raised her lovingly, so I understand WHY she stuck with them.
I do not respect my parents as they have left me for dead many times. And I would assume that the first time is one time too many.
As long as it works for you, go for it. I usually advocate forgiveness as defined as neutrality towards a person or a situation, but I also understand it may be difficult to stay neutral in some situations. As long as what you are doing works for you, I am happy for you!
Forgiveness is a need for humans to mend their ego, usually for both sides. This doesn’t work if the attacker brings the broken victim up to neutrality. Acknowledgement and empathy must be there, and most times, reparations. People must go beyond neutral to show true empathy, because forgiveness without understanding means nothing to the victim. This is the base of PTSD, which then, without acknowledgement or empathy from the other person, the victim’s brain will create their own reasons for the event. If there are no reasons, trauma prevails. If they create their own reason, miscommunication and prejudice prevails.
Forgiveness is more than neutrality. If someone forgives a person then ghosts them and say, “You have your way, and I have mine.” Then it doesn’t solve any conflict. Discussion must be had, and why’s must be answered. Unfortunately, most people don’t understand this and leave one side injured.
The worst apology is one I hear very often: I am sorry you feel that way. That is used so often, and protecs the ego and id of the attacker. The victim is still presumed wrong. There is no reparation, no empathy, no acknowledgement. There is, however, neutrality.
“Lakum dinukum wali’adin” – last line of al-kafirun. Not sure if I spelled that right. It’s in Arabic.
Well, what I had in mind is working on the subconscious mind to achieve neutrality. Otherwise, just saying you go your way and me mine does not indicate true neutrality. Oftentimes, I found that although I thought I had forgiven a person on the surface, i had not done so in my subconscious. Then, I kept repeating the same problems over and over again until I managed to gain some neutrality towards the person or situation. The subconscious is way stronger than what we say or do. Also, I meant neutrality for our own good. Otherwise, I don’t think we can forgive someone on behalf of someone.
And ‘I am sorry you feel that way’ is a narcisisst type of apology. Not saying that everyone who says this is a narcisisst. But it is a narsististic behavior.
PS: You spelled it right
Well your new article states to go with the flow. In that sense, it’s better to let people be. I also now have the time to see how the world is without much “pushing” to get to where I want. I wanted to see what would life be like if I let people just be.
So far, they lost my application for medical licensing at the Malaysian medical council, ECFMG us taking almost a month now to verify my identity, people have taken advantage of me, Tinder dates have just ghosted me without explanation (this is lack of acknowledgement, it’s better to just say “I don’t like you” and so both sides have closure), people have overpriced things right in my face as I look at real prices on my smartphone, and many other selfish and arrogant acts of humanity.
I’m the person who gives up anything for social justice (if you ever read my stories), and just stopping my fight against the entropy, I have seen the ugliness of society and realize that not just some people do it, but most.
I like your go with the flow article, but it’s just better to swim with the current to avoid the rocks.
Hard times will always exist but they can be followed by good times. That keeps me going. That also ties to going with the flow. If the tide is harder today, that is ok. That is the flow for today. It can be different tomorrow.
Everyone has their own metaphors. Yours seem maritime, mine is more rivers and tributaries. Look up how rivers become windy rivers. The physics of flow and the effects on geology are amazing. I like the fact that rivers cut through landscapes and create grand canyons and valleys. On the other hand, oceans can slap against things so much that they become sand. Maybe that’s a good metaphor for dealing with problems. Slap it until it goes away. Hahahhaah 🙂
Also, my friends know me as the guy that bad things happen to. My colleague has stopped being surprised that the bottom of the barrel keeps getting bigger with me. For example:
I dated the daughter of an ambulance driver in the department of emergency medicine. Her father spread rumors about me being a pedophile. I was mobbed at work and had random death threats, which stopped when I broke up with her, but the hatred and animosity towards me did not stop (obviously). So I left the job and got a job in an isolated part of the country. I was alone for over a year and went into depression from lack of social contact.
I took the time to pray, which my colleagues saw. Then they spread rumors and the mayor of the town I was the family physician for called the police on me for being a member of ISIS. I got raided and searched. I immediately left the town, bought a ticket to Malaysia and now am unemployed. I had my lawyer clear my name. Thus having the time to analyze society.
The bottom of the barrel is not limited by the bottom. No matter how hard it gets, it can ALWAYS get worse. The only way it stops getting worse is to stop time itself, because people in “society” will NOT stop being selfish and arrogant.
That is very hard. You are a very strong person to be able to handle all of it. I mean it. But here is a question. How is the negative thinking helping you? Maybe you can try to change your perspective and try to stay neutral as to your past experiences (which I usually achieve by focusing on what I learnt from those experiences and how they made me a better person). Maybe that can improve a bit. If you always expect worse, you will get worse.
I don’t think negatively. I run through negative possibilities so that I’m prepared for the worst. When you have no fall back except homelessness, you can’t make mistakes. Knowing bad reactions to actions make me prepared to either avoid situations or to be ready for consequences of other people’s actions. Not everyone is rich, doctors don’t earn much money in Croatia. It’s being prepared. Be homeless or work in emergency medicine and think puppies and unicorns, and then see if you’re prepared for a person trapped in a car crashed on the edge of a cliff.
Good for you. When I stopped preparing for the worst, I froze at work because I never imagined what I would do when a guy falls from a tree with a chainsaw that ripped his abdomen and his guts fell out. I was not prepared for that. Good thing my nurse was in a war, so she was.
I can relate a bit to your feelings, Yeop Azman. What a shame to have lost your fiancée and your opportunity to have a family of your own because of your mother or father’s limited beliefs. Where you sound lonely and very bitter, I can relate also. Especially if you come from a culture that revolves around family, you would feel the loss of something most humans are hard-wired to want, all the more keenly. When I was 42, I think I still had hope for finding someone, and indeed thought that I might have found him…Now, at 45, I see that, although I found many things to love and respect about him, and wanted to make him part of my life forever, I was not on his level of maturity or self-discipine, and did not have a positive outlook, and so could not convince him. The truth is that, in spite of what your family and/or culture may tell you, and in spite of what your inner voice may be saying (“it’s over! give up! don’t try!), chance favors the prepared mind. If you refuse to give up hope, even in the face of long odds, you increase your chances of finding what you look for. It’s hard to stay hopeful…very hard…but if you give up, then you lose all hope! You’re not alone, as this post proves! Hope that you find ways to generate happiness and companionship in your life while waiting for the day when God may choose to bless you with everything you had to wait so long to find…and may you appreciate it, when it happens!
To Write or not to Write and What to Write 
From someone who lived his marriage window years in a racist country, lost his fiance due to racism of the family, and listening to people giving empty words of comfort instead of solutions by saying that “everyone has their timeline”, I have gone past the point of having a family and am preparing a life of solitude.
Gone are the days of energetic smiles, and in are the days of high blood pressure medication and visceral fat. What woman would love that? Plus if they want better of me, I expect better from them. After all, I waited this long, so shouldn’t I deserve the best? A great brain wrapped in an attractive body?
Most people get to enjoy getting old together in a relationship, matching gut to gut and wrinkle to wrinkle. I have watched others grow old and happy and have merged their genetics to pop out another (or two) inquisitive minds?
I spent my childhood preparing for this as my father was an awful father who did not care about answering questions. I molded myself to be a father who could answer, show, and guide. When my window closed, all those skills became useless until my father and mother left me homeless to die as they enjoy their three houses and three cars and their in ground swimming pool. All materialisms that could have saved their own child’s life.
Nah. Nobody has just their own timeline, because we all live roughly the same amount of time, and we retire at the same amount of time. I am 42 and if I am at the end of my window to have an only child. I would have to support my child until I turn 64. Women have that closing window of menopause.
People need to realize that words of comfort don’t fit into the reality of the world. Most of those people who sympathize are usually people who have more. But you don’t need sympathy, you need empathy and support and solutions.
Wish you all the best in your new life.
LikeLiked by 1 person
One question: How much resentment do you have towards your father?
The reason: Often, trauma responses subconsciously prevent us from making progress, though on the surface we may feel or look different. Maybe think about this a bit and I suggest the book ‘It didn’t start with you’. It will give you a new perspective.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well not to create a conversation based in the comment section, I don’t resent my father as in the way it caused trauma. It created a “me” where I became a robot, because emotions don’t work in my family.
Anyways, I’m currently reading “A thousand beginnings and endings”. More into fun books than self help books, because I’ve been through too much to require self help.
I don’t resent my family nor people who have treated me badly. Now I see people as they are and not idolize them as parents who raised me, because if they were a parent in another family, I would not have respect for way they would have treated their child.
I don’t need a further relationship with people except if they earn my trust and respect or not. I did fall in love once, but she picked her family over me, which is logical and understandable. Her father was racist and didn’t allow her to be with me, but her family raised her lovingly, so I understand WHY she stuck with them.
I do not respect my parents as they have left me for dead many times. And I would assume that the first time is one time too many.
LikeLiked by 1 person
As long as it works for you, go for it. I usually advocate forgiveness as defined as neutrality towards a person or a situation, but I also understand it may be difficult to stay neutral in some situations. As long as what you are doing works for you, I am happy for you!
LikeLike
Forgiveness is a need for humans to mend their ego, usually for both sides. This doesn’t work if the attacker brings the broken victim up to neutrality. Acknowledgement and empathy must be there, and most times, reparations. People must go beyond neutral to show true empathy, because forgiveness without understanding means nothing to the victim. This is the base of PTSD, which then, without acknowledgement or empathy from the other person, the victim’s brain will create their own reasons for the event. If there are no reasons, trauma prevails. If they create their own reason, miscommunication and prejudice prevails.
Forgiveness is more than neutrality. If someone forgives a person then ghosts them and say, “You have your way, and I have mine.” Then it doesn’t solve any conflict. Discussion must be had, and why’s must be answered. Unfortunately, most people don’t understand this and leave one side injured.
The worst apology is one I hear very often: I am sorry you feel that way. That is used so often, and protecs the ego and id of the attacker. The victim is still presumed wrong. There is no reparation, no empathy, no acknowledgement. There is, however, neutrality.
“Lakum dinukum wali’adin” – last line of al-kafirun. Not sure if I spelled that right. It’s in Arabic.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, what I had in mind is working on the subconscious mind to achieve neutrality. Otherwise, just saying you go your way and me mine does not indicate true neutrality. Oftentimes, I found that although I thought I had forgiven a person on the surface, i had not done so in my subconscious. Then, I kept repeating the same problems over and over again until I managed to gain some neutrality towards the person or situation. The subconscious is way stronger than what we say or do. Also, I meant neutrality for our own good. Otherwise, I don’t think we can forgive someone on behalf of someone.
And ‘I am sorry you feel that way’ is a narcisisst type of apology. Not saying that everyone who says this is a narcisisst. But it is a narsististic behavior.
PS: You spelled it right
LikeLike
Well your new article states to go with the flow. In that sense, it’s better to let people be. I also now have the time to see how the world is without much “pushing” to get to where I want. I wanted to see what would life be like if I let people just be.
So far, they lost my application for medical licensing at the Malaysian medical council, ECFMG us taking almost a month now to verify my identity, people have taken advantage of me, Tinder dates have just ghosted me without explanation (this is lack of acknowledgement, it’s better to just say “I don’t like you” and so both sides have closure), people have overpriced things right in my face as I look at real prices on my smartphone, and many other selfish and arrogant acts of humanity.
I’m the person who gives up anything for social justice (if you ever read my stories), and just stopping my fight against the entropy, I have seen the ugliness of society and realize that not just some people do it, but most.
I like your go with the flow article, but it’s just better to swim with the current to avoid the rocks.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hard times will always exist but they can be followed by good times. That keeps me going. That also ties to going with the flow. If the tide is harder today, that is ok. That is the flow for today. It can be different tomorrow.
LikeLike
Everyone has their own metaphors. Yours seem maritime, mine is more rivers and tributaries. Look up how rivers become windy rivers. The physics of flow and the effects on geology are amazing. I like the fact that rivers cut through landscapes and create grand canyons and valleys. On the other hand, oceans can slap against things so much that they become sand. Maybe that’s a good metaphor for dealing with problems. Slap it until it goes away. Hahahhaah 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nice one!
LikeLike
Also, my friends know me as the guy that bad things happen to. My colleague has stopped being surprised that the bottom of the barrel keeps getting bigger with me. For example:
I dated the daughter of an ambulance driver in the department of emergency medicine. Her father spread rumors about me being a pedophile. I was mobbed at work and had random death threats, which stopped when I broke up with her, but the hatred and animosity towards me did not stop (obviously). So I left the job and got a job in an isolated part of the country. I was alone for over a year and went into depression from lack of social contact.
I took the time to pray, which my colleagues saw. Then they spread rumors and the mayor of the town I was the family physician for called the police on me for being a member of ISIS. I got raided and searched. I immediately left the town, bought a ticket to Malaysia and now am unemployed. I had my lawyer clear my name. Thus having the time to analyze society.
The bottom of the barrel is not limited by the bottom. No matter how hard it gets, it can ALWAYS get worse. The only way it stops getting worse is to stop time itself, because people in “society” will NOT stop being selfish and arrogant.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is very hard. You are a very strong person to be able to handle all of it. I mean it. But here is a question. How is the negative thinking helping you? Maybe you can try to change your perspective and try to stay neutral as to your past experiences (which I usually achieve by focusing on what I learnt from those experiences and how they made me a better person). Maybe that can improve a bit. If you always expect worse, you will get worse.
LikeLike
I don’t think negatively. I run through negative possibilities so that I’m prepared for the worst. When you have no fall back except homelessness, you can’t make mistakes. Knowing bad reactions to actions make me prepared to either avoid situations or to be ready for consequences of other people’s actions. Not everyone is rich, doctors don’t earn much money in Croatia. It’s being prepared. Be homeless or work in emergency medicine and think puppies and unicorns, and then see if you’re prepared for a person trapped in a car crashed on the edge of a cliff.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I used to think like that too but then I realized somehow, when I prepare for the worst, the worst happens. So I stopped.
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Good for you. When I stopped preparing for the worst, I froze at work because I never imagined what I would do when a guy falls from a tree with a chainsaw that ripped his abdomen and his guts fell out. I was not prepared for that. Good thing my nurse was in a war, so she was.
You don’t need to prepare for the worst. I do.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can relate a bit to your feelings, Yeop Azman. What a shame to have lost your fiancée and your opportunity to have a family of your own because of your mother or father’s limited beliefs. Where you sound lonely and very bitter, I can relate also. Especially if you come from a culture that revolves around family, you would feel the loss of something most humans are hard-wired to want, all the more keenly. When I was 42, I think I still had hope for finding someone, and indeed thought that I might have found him…Now, at 45, I see that, although I found many things to love and respect about him, and wanted to make him part of my life forever, I was not on his level of maturity or self-discipine, and did not have a positive outlook, and so could not convince him. The truth is that, in spite of what your family and/or culture may tell you, and in spite of what your inner voice may be saying (“it’s over! give up! don’t try!), chance favors the prepared mind. If you refuse to give up hope, even in the face of long odds, you increase your chances of finding what you look for. It’s hard to stay hopeful…very hard…but if you give up, then you lose all hope! You’re not alone, as this post proves! Hope that you find ways to generate happiness and companionship in your life while waiting for the day when God may choose to bless you with everything you had to wait so long to find…and may you appreciate it, when it happens!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Not my family. Her family.
LikeLiked by 1 person