Small Note 56: Steps
Trying to get out of a difficult period feels like a baby trying to take his first step.
Afraid to take it initially and clumsiness everywhere.
Also, many returns to crawling because it is just familiar and easier.
But later, taking steps becomes easier than crawling.
Small Note 55: Progress
‘When will things get better, Laila?’
‘Things always get better, Joshua. You first learn to crawl, then walk, then run. Not the reverse. Align your reality with actual reality.’
Small Note 54: What if?
What if the light was always in front of me but I was looking back?
Or maybe facing the front but closing my eyes?
Can I rewind time so I can see if it was always there?
Small Note 53: Love
I thought I did not have love,
until I found it everywhere in my heart.
As per human nature.
Small Note 52: Circles
The road never seemed to end.
Until I realized it was going in circles.
But even then,
I could not find the exit,
Until one day, accidentally.
Small Note 51: Hate Self
I don’t know why I hated myself,
Although myself was the only thing that has never left me,
and would never leave me.
Small Note 50: Hurt of Heart
Why is the hurt of heart worse than others?
Oh, maybe it is because everything starts there and ends there.
Small Note 49: My Place
I was curious.
I traveled the depths of of the oceans.
And the highs of the mountains.
Until I realized that my place was not that far.
It was right here. On the ground.
So I sat there.
Small Note 48: Unreachable End
I could see the much lighter me in the horizon, free from the unnecessary burden on my shoulders.
It was so close, yet so far.
It felt like I could touch it if I reached my arms for it.
Yet it also felt like it would run away so hard that I would never catch it.
That is what defines my journey. I can see the end, but cannot reach it.
Small Note 47: Silence
I did not hear the voice of silence,
Until I became silent.
Then, silence became the only voice,
As that turned out to be the language of the universe.
Small Note 46: Living in the Moment
‘How can I live in the moment, Laila?’
‘Oh, you are already living in the moment, Joshua. You can’t live at any other time. All you need to do is to know it.’
Small Note 45: Alone
Why would I feel alone
when daddy moon put a blanket over me when I slept
and mommy sun kissed me awake, pulling the blanket off of me.
But I still did,
Because I was not looking nor feeling.
I was numb.
Small Note 44: Not Home
The cloud told me to come with it and see a lot of places that I had never seen before.
But my self did not.
I tried to convince it.
But it said the cloud was not home.
Small Note 43: Should, Should not
Mouth should not be that talkative.
Mind should not be that active.
Body should not have too much say.
Small Note 42: Perspective
‘How does perspective affect how we treat things, master?’
‘What is similar about humans?’
‘I don’t know. Their faces, bodies, personalities, maybe?’
‘What is different about them?’
‘I don’t know. Their faces, bodies, personalities, maybe?’
Small Note 41: Life and Death
‘What will happen when I die, Laila?’
‘You can think about this only if you started living, Joshua. Did you?’
Small Note 40: None or All
One day, I wanted to flow like the water.
The next, stay put like a mountain or a tree.
On yet another day, I wanted to shine like the Sun.
Followed by a wish to cry like the sky.
I was none.
Or I was all.
Small Note 39: Escape
I ran far, to a place so distant that no trace of life was seen anymore.
Hoping to run away from my problems.
But I could not leave myself behind.
So my problems came with me.
Small Note 38: Inner Child
‘How is the child in you doing, Joshua?’
‘It’s been sleeping for a long time, Laila.’
‘Oh, how can you survive without it, Joshua?’
‘Oh, I learnt it, Laila.’
‘Unlearn it, Joshua. It is not life, what you call life.’
Small Note 37: Darkness and Light
Can absolute darkness exist, when even the depth of the night has the moon and the stars to illuminate it?
Small Note 36: The Dam
Letters became words, and words sentences.
Lifting the dam in my flow.
Only then did I know that I had a flow.
But I had blocked it with a dam built by my own hands.
Small Note 35: Writing Letters
Who said writing letters is dead?
I write one everyday to my future self, starting in the morning and enveloping at night.
Except that it is all written on my head, somewhere called the subconscious.
Small Note 34: Words You Looked
Your strongest weapon was not the words you said.
It was the words you looked.
Small Note 33: Voice of Tears
‘Why are you crying Joshua?’
‘I don’t want to keep things in, Laila. Tears get them out.’
‘Oh, why don’t you write, Joshua? Tears need voice.’
Small Note 32: Love
I was going to love you.
But first, I needed to love myself.
Small Note 31: Masks
‘Which mask should I wear today, Laila? The happy one, the sad one or the angry one?’
‘All of them, Joshua. How could you think one would be enough for a day?’
Small Note 30: Time and Healing
‘Time will heal your wounds’, they said.
But they did not tell me that time can be long and I need patience.
Small Note 29: Endless Happiness
‘Tell me something so I can be happy forever, Laila.’
‘Don’t ask me for the impossible, Joshua. Ask me for what I can really do for you.’
Small Note 28: 20th Short Story
I published my 20th short story on the second-month anniversary of my blog.
This time, I decided to a baby. The story is actually inspired by our cat.
Please check the last story and others here.
Small Note 27: Crying Sky
The sky was crying.
And I, with it.
Small Note 26: I be me
‘Why do I feel sad today, Laila?’
‘Because you are being you, Joshua.’
‘Why did I feel happy yesterday then, Laila?’
‘Because you were being you, Joshua.’
‘Why do I sometimes get angry at times, Laila?’
‘Because you be you, Joshua.’
‘Do you like it when I be me, Laila?’
‘Yes, I do, Joshua.’
Small Note 25: My best
When I said I tried my best, I did not lie. It was my best at that time.
Small Note 24: Lost
I was lost before I found my direction.
Small Note 23: Silence Talk
When it is silence’s turn to talk,
It becomes a better communicator than anyone or anything.
Small Note 22: Water
Do you know why I like water, Laila?
Because it goes with the flow.
Small Note 21: Butterflies
There is beauty even in bad feelings. That is what the beautiful butterflies in our stomach tell us at the time of nervousness.
Small Note 20: Mindtalk
It is not that I was not listening to you.
My mind was talking louder.
Small Note 19: The Sun and the Rebel
‘Wake up!’, said the sun.
And I obeyed.
It smashed the rebel in me.
Small Note 18: Weird
‘You are weird’, they say.
Forgetting that they are also weird in their own ways.
Small Note 17: Hope
If there is one thing that keeps and will keep me alive, it is hope.
Hope in stability and hope in change. Hope in life.
Small Note 16: The Muse 2
I tried my best to block you out of my life.
But you came in by force and stayed, in my good and bad days.
Like a true friend.
Small note 15: The Butterfly
‘I am here to liven up your mood and life. I will carry you on my back’, said the butterfly.
‘Ok’, said the girl.
Without thinking that she was not small enough to ride a butterfly. They went to places.
Small Note 14: The Muse
‘Where have you been all that long? I could not find you.’, she asked to the muse.
‘I have always been here. I tried to remind you of myself. You just kept ignoring me.’, answered the muse.
‘Have you?’, said the girl, surprised. ‘Then, you are my best friend.’
Small Note 13: Life in Spirals
I thought life would be a linear progress but I was wrong.
It turned out to be a spiral.
Small Note 12: Inspiration
I am going to write whenever I get inspiration.
I will sit down to write and inspiration will come.
I like the now. More stable and less explosive.
Small Note 11: When?
I think I am progressing as I am going around the same circles.
I think I am staying put when I am walking ahead slowly.
When do we actually make progress?
Small Note 10: Battle
‘I am going to leave everything and go.’ said one side of me.
‘No!’, said the other side.
The other side won.
Small Note 9: Hope
What do you do when you lose hope?
Small Note 8: Don’t say ‘Don’t be emotional’
Don’t say ‘Don’t be emotional!’. If you do, you are asking me (or any human) to deny a big part of my (our) nature entirely. It is asking me to go against myself (ourselves). Instead, say ‘Be emotional, but understand them so they do not take over you’. That is, understand them so they will not block your functioning because they are not being used properly.
Small Note 7: Meditation, please stay with me
I have been meditating regularly for several years now. But for several months, I tried to ‘integrate’ the meditative mind into all of my daily life, for which I gave up on focused meditation. I wanted to stay in that mindset for the whole day. I guess I also was stuck at that point and needed some kind of break. I was relatively successful. But later, I realized that not doing focused meditation is actually messing me up. I started feeling worse than before. I started back on my focused meditation and it helps greatly and instantly. So, maybe, it is not either or. It is both. Both focused meditation and mindful state of mind.
Small Note 6: Humans do human stuff
Humans think, feel and do human stuff. In this, what type of human you are does not play a role.
Small Note 5: Being Overwhelmed
What do you do when you are overwhelmed?
I tend to push to the last point I can bear and then let it go. Not the ideal way to go about it. But, oh well.
Small Note 4: Do Nothing
There was a guy in a cafe today. For the whole I was there, he just sat, doing nothing. Now, I am not unfamiliar with doing nothing. That is one of the main ways I get de-stressed. But even I found this weird. Why are we so conditioned to doing something at all times?
Small Note 3: Walk
When I did not know what to do, I just went for a walk.
Small Note 2: Past is past, finally
For the first time in my life, I have not re-evaluated the semester I have wrapped up. Because, I thought, that semester is gone and I have new days in front of me. This made me happy. It means I do not dwell in my past that much anymore. I am sure I will be stuck in my past every now and then. But at least I made some progress in my endeavor.
Small Note 1: We are so conditioned to end-products
When I tell people that generally, when meditating, one sits there in silence and follows the breath in and out. Then I frequently get asked:
‘And then what happens?’
The answer is ‘Nothing. And that is the whole point.’