Small Note 100: Maybe Now
You are asking me why this did not happen a few years back,
Forgetting everything happens in its time.
I forgot that too.
When I thought I was ready,
I was not even close.
You were not, either.
But maybe now?
Maybe now we are ready?
Small Note 99: The Key
I locked my heart
I threw the key away,
and hoped it would drown in the sea.
Little did I know
That the key was in me
and my heart was open.
Maybe it was never closed.
and I never locked my heart.
Maybe I just did not know how to use the key.
Small Note 98: Forced Smile
I saw a man today,
He was not happy.
But he tried to be.
He forced a smile at me.
I was not happy, either.
But my smile was sleeping.
Until his smile woke it up.
Small Note 97: How would you?
Did you know how I was?
I bet you didn’t.
How would you?
You didn’t even know how you were.
Small Note 96: Dark is Good
‘Why is everything so dark, Laila?’
‘It is night, Joshua. Night is dark.’
‘What if it wasn’t?’
‘How would you then appreciate the sun, Joshua?
Small Note 95: Dreamland
I rose from what is,
Into the dreamland,
Where silence prevails,
And lets you in it expand.
Small Note 94: The Guiding Light
I was walking around aimlessly.
When a light appeared to guide.
A light in the name of you.
Small Note 93: Too Far
I shouted at you when I was rising up.
You heard me and looked up,
And tried to reach me.
But oh dear,
Could you not see I was too far?
Small Note 92: I will be here
I didn’t know you had things to do.
You finish them up.
I will be here.
But let me know when you are done.
Small Note 91: Just Wait
What will I do, dear,
If I ran out of solutions.
I guess I will just wait.
And sleep a little.
Small Note 90: What is the Difference?
I heard something last night.
I thought it was a call to life.
No, it was you.
What is the difference?
Small Note 89: The Wait
Come get me out of this hole, dear.
I have been waiting way too long.
Small Note 88: Open your Eyes
Open your eyes,
I want to see if I am there.
And if I am there,
Open your heart.
I want to see how big my room there is.
Small Note 87: Alone
Did you know that we are not meant to be alone?
But my heart did not.
Small Note 86: Free
Let me go, my dear.
I want to break free.
But when I do,
Can you come with me?
Small Note 85: A Pen Named Betul
It had stories to tell.
But it needed a listener.
The listener was not there.
So, it gave its stories away.
That is how the heart acquired a pen.
A pen named Betul.
Small Note 84: Past and Present
‘My past is disturbing me, Laila. What do I do?’
‘Listen to your past, Joshua.’
‘It has stories to tell. Stories that you star in.’
‘Then what do I do?’
‘Then listen to today and re-interpret those stories in today. Don’t forget to star in them too.’
Small Note 83: You
Get me out of here, dear.
Open your door to me so I can meet you.
No, not the you that everyone knows.
I will meet the you that you hid from you.
Small Note 82: Tell me
Tell me dear,
What bothers you so much?
Tell me all you can,
Give your burdens to me,
And leave yourself alone.
Don’t worry about me.
Small Note 81: Yourself
‘Why am I always unhappy and tired, Laila? What do I do about it?’
‘Be yourself, Joshua. Is there anything more that you can be than yourself?’
Small Note 80: Heart
Shout to the heart,
Does it hear you?
I bet it doesn’t.
Because it is busy,
Listening its own stories.
Small Note 79: I was Wrong
Why did I miss you everyday?
Even when you were by me.
I thought you were me and I you,
But maybe I was wrong.
I am still me and you are you.
That is why I miss you.
Small Note 78: Tea with Heart
Sometimes I wish I could take my heart out,
And listen to its stories, hidden or shown.
It would have told me,
What I had never known.
Small Note 77: Help
‘Why didn’t you get me out, Laila?’
‘Did you reach out to me, Joshua? I do not remember.’
‘I did not, Laila.’
‘Then did you actually want the help?’
‘I don’t know, Laila. I don’t know.’
Small Note 76: Freedom
What is freedom?
Being loyal, being home.
Loyalty is the freedom.
Where loyalty is to us.
Home is the freedom.
Where home is us.
Small Note 75: Bored
‘Why am I bored, Laila?’
‘The universe is with you, Joshua. Why don’t you talk to it?’
Small Note 74: Distance
What if distances did not exist?
Would we still stay close?
Small Note 73: The Flow
‘Who do I have to trust?’, I shouted.
While I was in the hands of the flow.
Small Note 72: Where is Love?
I craved for love.
Waited for him.
When the love was
In the home
In the green
In the water
Small Note 71: Timing
Sometimes I wish I had listened to the messages from the Universe earlier.
Then I give up on that wish.
What is the point of getting the message
When it is not time for me to listen.
Small Note 70: One Thing: Harmony
When my mind thought there was so much going on,
There was actually just one thing:
Struggle for harmony.
Harmony between beings.
Harmony within beings.
Small Note 69: Colors
‘Why is the sky blue, Laila?’
‘So we feel safe, Joshua.’
‘Why is the earth brown then?’
‘So we feel nurtured.’
‘What about trees? Why are they green?’
‘So we feel the love.’
‘Why don’t I feel these then?’
‘You do. You just didn’t learn to understand them. For that, read yourself.’
Small Note 68: Words
‘Come!’, I said.
Then added: ‘Stay!’
Without knowing that in the language of the Universe
Words work backwards.
Small Note 67: Fight
While the heart wants to love,
Hate strikes back.
The fight is not meant to end.
Small Note 66: Mind’s Eye
I was not seeing anything when I was falling.
Don’t get me wrong. My eyes were open.
Just not my mind.
Small Note 65: I love me
You know why I stopped asking if you love me?
I found another lover.
Someone called ‘I’. I love me.
Small Note 64: Voices
When the voices were getting louder
I became silenter
Until the voices became me
Did I exist anymore?
Small Note 63: Sunshine
Let the sun shine all you want
What good is it when you close your eyes?
Small Note 63: Breathing the Universe
‘What is our life dependent on our breathing, Laila?’
‘You take the universe in, mix it with yourself and give it back to the universe, Joshua.’
‘What if I don’t want to mix with the universe, Laila?’
‘Life as such does not exist, Joshua.’
Small Note 62: Alternative Look
What if I always have everything I need and I don’t know it?
What if I already reached my goal and I don’t know it?
What if I am already my best and I don’t know it?
What if I take an alternative look at myself?
Would anything change?
Small Note 61: Debate Settling
I thought the constant debate within me was ending.
But the heart was just winning it.
The heart was still speaking but everything else was obeying it in increasing silence.
A silence long awaited for.
Should I thank my heart for being strong enough to win the debate?
Small Note 60: Heart as Home
‘Laila, why is it that things in the heart live longer than the things in the mind?’
‘If you were a thing, Joshua, wouldn’t you want to stay at home longer?’
Small Note 59: Cry for a Living
When it was not possible to live anymore,
So I could send my message out there.
So my message could be seen.
And it worked.
Because I lived.
Small Note 58: Happiness
‘Did I tell you I had lost happiness, Laila?’
‘Yes, Joshua. Did you find it?’
‘Yes, Laila. It was just hiding in me.’
Small Note 57: The Right Place
I closed my eyes, hoping that I would not see what brought me unhappiness.
Then I saw it more clearly,
Because now I was looking at the right place.
Small Note 56: Steps
Trying to get out of a difficult period feels like a baby trying to take his first step.
Afraid to take it initially and clumsiness everywhere.
Also, many returns to crawling because it is just familiar and easier.
But later, taking steps becomes easier than crawling.
Small Note 55: Progress
‘When will things get better, Laila?’
‘Things always get better, Joshua. You first learn to crawl, then walk, then run. Not the reverse. Align your reality with actual reality.’
Small Note 54: What if?
What if the light was always in front of me but I was looking back?
Or maybe facing the front but closing my eyes?
Can I rewind time so I can see if it was always there?
Small Note 53: Love
I thought I did not have love,
until I found it everywhere in my heart.
As per human nature.
Small Note 52: Circles
The road never seemed to end.
Until I realized it was going in circles.
But even then,
I could not find the exit,
Until one day, accidentally.
Small Note 51: Hate Self
I don’t know why I hated myself,
Although myself was the only thing that has never left me,
and would never leave me.
Small Note 50: Hurt of Heart
Why is the hurt of heart worse than others?
Oh, maybe it is because everything starts there and ends there.
Small Note 49: My Place
I was curious.
I traveled the depths of of the oceans.
And the highs of the mountains.
Until I realized that my place was not that far.
It was right here. On the ground.
So I sat there.
Small Note 48: Unreachable End
I could see the much lighter me in the horizon, free from the unnecessary burden on my shoulders.
It was so close, yet so far.
It felt like I could touch it if I reached my arms for it.
Yet it also felt like it would run away so hard that I would never catch it.
That is what defines my journey. I can see the end, but cannot reach it.
Small Note 47: Silence
I did not hear the voice of silence,
Until I became silent.
Then, silence became the only voice,
As that turned out to be the language of the universe.
Small Note 46: Living in the Moment
‘How can I live in the moment, Laila?’
‘Oh, you are already living in the moment, Joshua. You can’t live at any other time. All you need to do is to know it.’
Small Note 45: Alone
Why would I feel alone
when daddy moon put a blanket over me when I slept
and mommy sun kissed me awake, pulling the blanket off of me.
But I still did,
Because I was not looking nor feeling.
I was numb.
Small Note 44: Not Home
The cloud told me to come with it and see a lot of places that I had never seen before.
But my self did not.
I tried to convince it.
But it said the cloud was not home.
Small Note 43: Should, Should not
Mouth should not be that talkative.
Mind should not be that active.
Body should not have too much say.
Small Note 42: Perspective
‘How does perspective affect how we treat things, master?’
‘What is similar about humans?’
‘I don’t know. Their faces, bodies, personalities, maybe?’
‘What is different about them?’
‘I don’t know. Their faces, bodies, personalities, maybe?’
Small Note 41: Life and Death
‘What will happen when I die, Laila?’
‘You can think about this only if you started living, Joshua. Did you?’
Small Note 40: None or All
One day, I wanted to flow like the water.
The next, stay put like a mountain or a tree.
On yet another day, I wanted to shine like the Sun.
Followed by a wish to cry like the sky.
I was none.
Or I was all.
Small Note 39: Escape
I ran far, to a place so distant that no trace of life was seen anymore.
Hoping to run away from my problems.
But I could not leave myself behind.
So my problems came with me.
Small Note 38: Inner Child
‘How is the child in you doing, Joshua?’
‘It’s been sleeping for a long time, Laila.’
‘Oh, how can you survive without it, Joshua?’
‘Oh, I learnt it, Laila.’
‘Unlearn it, Joshua. It is not life, what you call life.’
Small Note 37: Darkness and Light
Can absolute darkness exist, when even the depth of the night has the moon and the stars to illuminate it?
Small Note 36: The Dam
Letters became words, and words sentences.
Lifting the dam in my flow.
Only then did I know that I had a flow.
But I had blocked it with a dam built by my own hands.
Small Note 35: Writing Letters
Who said writing letters is dead?
I write one everyday to my future self, starting in the morning and enveloping at night.
Except that it is all written on my head, somewhere called the subconscious.
Small Note 34: Words You Looked
Your strongest weapon was not the words you said.
It was the words you looked.
Small Note 33: Voice of Tears
‘Why are you crying Joshua?’
‘I don’t want to keep things in, Laila. Tears get them out.’
‘Oh, why don’t you write, Joshua? Tears need voice.’
Small Note 32: Love
I was going to love you.
But first, I needed to love myself.
Small Note 31: Masks
‘Which mask should I wear today, Laila? The happy one, the sad one or the angry one?’
‘All of them, Joshua. How could you think one would be enough for a day?’
Small Note 30: Time and Healing
‘Time will heal your wounds’, they said.
But they did not tell me that time can be long and I need patience.
Small Note 29: Endless Happiness
‘Tell me something so I can be happy forever, Laila.’
‘Don’t ask me for the impossible, Joshua. Ask me for what I can really do for you.’
Small Note 28: 20th Short Story
I published my 20th short story on the second-month anniversary of my blog.
This time, I decided to a baby. The story is actually inspired by our cat.
Please check the last story and others here.
Small Note 27: Crying Sky
The sky was crying.
And I, with it.
Small Note 26: I be me
‘Why do I feel sad today, Laila?’
‘Because you are being you, Joshua.’
‘Why did I feel happy yesterday then, Laila?’
‘Because you were being you, Joshua.’
‘Why do I sometimes get angry at times, Laila?’
‘Because you be you, Joshua.’
‘Do you like it when I be me, Laila?’
‘Yes, I do, Joshua.’
Small Note 25: My best
When I said I tried my best, I did not lie. It was my best at that time.
Small Note 24: Lost
I was lost before I found my direction.
Small Note 23: Silence Talk
When it is silence’s turn to talk,
It becomes a better communicator than anyone or anything.
Small Note 22: Water
Do you know why I like water, Laila?
Because it goes with the flow.
Small Note 21: Butterflies
There is beauty even in bad feelings. That is what the beautiful butterflies in our stomach tell us at the time of nervousness.
Small Note 20: Mindtalk
It is not that I was not listening to you.
My mind was talking louder.
Small Note 19: The Sun and the Rebel
‘Wake up!’, said the sun.
And I obeyed.
It smashed the rebel in me.
Small Note 18: Weird
‘You are weird’, they say.
Forgetting that they are also weird in their own ways.
Small Note 17: Hope
If there is one thing that keeps and will keep me alive, it is hope.
Hope in stability and hope in change. Hope in life.
Small Note 16: The Muse 2
I tried my best to block you out of my life.
But you came in by force and stayed, in my good and bad days.
Like a true friend.
Small note 15: The Butterfly
‘I am here to liven up your mood and life. I will carry you on my back’, said the butterfly.
‘Ok’, said the girl.
Without thinking that she was not small enough to ride a butterfly. They went to places.
Small Note 14: The Muse
‘Where have you been all that long? I could not find you.’, she asked to the muse.
‘I have always been here. I tried to remind you of myself. You just kept ignoring me.’, answered the muse.
‘Have you?’, said the girl, surprised. ‘Then, you are my best friend.’
Small Note 13: Life in Spirals
I thought life would be a linear progress but I was wrong.
It turned out to be a spiral.
Small Note 12: Inspiration
I am going to write whenever I get inspiration.
I will sit down to write and inspiration will come.
I like the now. More stable and less explosive.
Small Note 11: When?
I think I am progressing as I am going around the same circles.
I think I am staying put when I am walking ahead slowly.
When do we actually make progress?
Small Note 10: Battle
‘I am going to leave everything and go.’ said one side of me.
‘No!’, said the other side.
The other side won.
Small Note 9: Hope
What do you do when you lose hope?
Small Note 8: Don’t say ‘Don’t be emotional’
Don’t say ‘Don’t be emotional!’. If you do, you are asking me (or any human) to deny a big part of my (our) nature entirely. It is asking me to go against myself (ourselves). Instead, say ‘Be emotional, but understand them so they do not take over you’. That is, understand them so they will not block your functioning because they are not being used properly.
Small Note 7: Meditation, please stay with me
I have been meditating regularly for several years now. But for several months, I tried to ‘integrate’ the meditative mind into all of my daily life, for which I gave up on focused meditation. I wanted to stay in that mindset for the whole day. I guess I also was stuck at that point and needed some kind of break. I was relatively successful. But later, I realized that not doing focused meditation is actually messing me up. I started feeling worse than before. I started back on my focused meditation and it helps greatly and instantly. So, maybe, it is not either or. It is both. Both focused meditation and mindful state of mind.
Small Note 6: Humans do human stuff
Humans think, feel and do human stuff. In this, what type of human you are does not play a role.
Small Note 5: Being Overwhelmed
What do you do when you are overwhelmed?
I tend to push to the last point I can bear and then let it go. Not the ideal way to go about it. But, oh well.
Small Note 4: Do Nothing
There was a guy in a cafe today. For the whole I was there, he just sat, doing nothing. Now, I am not unfamiliar with doing nothing. That is one of the main ways I get de-stressed. But even I found this weird. Why are we so conditioned to doing something at all times?
Small Note 3: Walk
When I did not know what to do, I just went for a walk.
Small Note 2: Past is past, finally
For the first time in my life, I have not re-evaluated the semester I have wrapped up. Because, I thought, that semester is gone and I have new days in front of me. This made me happy. It means I do not dwell in my past that much anymore. I am sure I will be stuck in my past every now and then. But at least I made some progress in my endeavor.
Small Note 1: We are so conditioned to end-products
When I tell people that generally, when meditating, one sits there in silence and follows the breath in and out. Then I frequently get asked:
‘And then what happens?’
The answer is ‘Nothing. And that is the whole point.’