Spiritual Musing

Musing 25: Healing

March was dark.

So was April.

And May.

June, July, some hints of a light.

August, September, dark again.

October, November, December, I closed my eyes.

Why bother to open when it is dark anyway.

January, I did.

And I saw some light.

February, March, I decided to walk towards it.

April, I reached it.

May, June, July, August, I am in it.

May it never be dark again.

Musing 24: Now until now

It took me a year and a half of that to realize the extent of my mistakes.

I thought about how it would have been different if we had met now.

Then I said

But we did not.

Then I said

But if we had, I would have been her. Because I was her.

Just not until now.

Now, whenever I think of you, I pray for your happiness.

That you find the her for you.

That you find happiness in everything you do.

As for me,

Sometimes, just sometimes,

I wish I could talk to you.

Once.

That way, my heart would find peace.

That long-awaited peace.

Musing 23: Endings

Endings can be strange.

As exciting as sad.

As clear as vague.

As easy as hard.

They can put you in the depths of loss

And lift you to the heights of sky.

Hold you by the throat and drown you.

And give you from their breath.

They can be all.

They can be some.

Maybe that is where the intricacy of life lies.

Musing 22: Inside

Where is my best friend?

I need the support.

Where is my love?

I need the affection.

Where is everyone?

I need the affirmation.

Oh wait. Found them all.

Inside.

Musing 21: God’s Mysterious Ways

If you had told me I would get a huge relief by now a year ago

I would not believe you.

I did not see it. I did not feel it.

I was in the deepest hole of my life.

I saw no way out.

Now I see it. I live it.

I am out of that hole, and in the best way possible.

God works in mysterious ways, doesn’t He?

Musing 20: Child in me

Did you hear that?

Someone is calling me.

Who is it, I wonder.

Who would call my name?

…

Oh, never mind.

It is actually the child in me.

Let me see why she is calling me.

Musing 19: Chaotic Surprise

Chaos is good.

But the fun ones.

Drama chaos is not.

Surprise is good.

But the positive ones.

Drama surprise is not.

Surprise me with some good chaotic surprise. Will you?

Don’t bring in drama. That is my only request.

Musing 18: Dusted Pen

My pen is dusted.

I hope it cleans itself.

I need its service.

My heart has things to say.

Musing 17: Love is Big

I tried to squeeze love in one person,

One place, one thing.

But it was bigger, did not fit.

Now I try to put it in every person,

Every place, everything.

Musing 16: Throne of Silence

I welcomed the silence inside me when it arrived.

‘I was longing for you’, I said.

‘Where have you been?’, I added.

It did not respond.

It smiled and sat in the throne of my heart.

This is how I let it govern me.

I hope it does not die before me.

Musing 15: When hardship ends

You know when I love God the most?

When He gives me hard times,

When I suffer.

And it ends.

Then I see that

The suffering was a bigger blessing

Than a blessing.

That is when I love God the most.

These days, I love Him the most.

Musing 14: The Light

I saw mountains falling over me,

Seas flooding me.

Fires burning me.

Then, I saw the light.

Right ahead of me.

It fell over me.

It flooded me.

It burnt me.

It had a gift for me too.

It gave all its calmness to me.

I thanked it.

Musing 13: Lost Love

You dropped love on my lap.

It was so quick, I could not handle it.

So I resisted.

Then, you dropped more of it.

It was so intense, I could not carry it.

Then, you dropped even more.

I crumbled down with it.

You went away, leaving all the burden on my lap.

I still could not handle it, carry it.

I stayed down with it.

I wished you would come back and help me back up.

You didn’t. You were right. I was not ready.

But I would learn to carry it.

I did. I am.

But now I can’t drop mine on you.

What can I do?

Musing 12: Higher Power

Sometimes it feels tight inside

You don’t know how to behave,

Or how to feel.

Then what you do is

To find refugee in the Higher Power.

You can’t help it.

It just is.

Musing 11: Acceptance

I was convinced

Life is struggle.

I struggled

To get out

To get in

To stay in.

When I got out,

I felt scared.

When I got in,

I felt an alien.

When I stayed in,

I felt hopeless,

Lifeless.

Then I thought,

Maybe life is not struggle.

Maybe it is something else.

Maybe acceptance.

Musing 10: The Search

My eyes were tired.

I looked for it everywhere.

First, outside me.

Then, inside me.

I looked for it as an object.

Something I can see with my eyes,

And point to with my hands.

But no, nothing appeared.

Because the Meaning was All.

It had no location because it was everywhere.

It had no substance because it was everything.

Such was the lesson that taught my eyes to rest.

Musing 9: Every Cell in Me

The mind thinks it.

The heart feels.

And yet, I am still separated from the One.

Why, asks the mind.

I don’t like this, resents the heart.

Then comes their answer,

When every single cell in me join them.

No exception.

That is when I become one,

And unified with the One.

Musing 8: You do.

One day I thought,

Why don’t I see the layers of existence,

Why don’t I feel them all,

Why don’t I hear them roam,

Although I live with them,

And they are around me.

Then, one of them whispered:

You do.

Everyone does.

But not everyone notices.

Notice them.

Like you noticed me.

Musing 7: Path, Sign, Everything

Once you pass this bridge,

You will reach there, they said.

I did not.

Once you see this sign,

That is the end, they said.

It was not.

Once you do this,

Everything will be solved, they said.

They were not.

Nothing changed,

Until I knew the path, the sign and everything were me.

Everything was God.

Musing 6: What do you do?

When the walls squeeze you tight,

When the sky falls over you,

When the sound of your mind gets unbearable,

What do you do?

Where do you go?

When you are about to explode inside,

Like a balloon too big,

When everything crumbles in front of you,

What do you do?

Where do you go?

Who is your trustee?

Actually, do you have one?

Musing 5: The Good and the Bad

What is good?

What is bad?

What about the useful?

And the waste?

Aren’t they all part of the universe?

Maybe it is time to think

They are meant for us.

Both the good and the bad.

And the useful and the waste.

They are all us,

Because they are all the universe.

Musing 4: One

I wanted to reach the stars.

Touch the sky, chat with the moon.

The sun would be my friend.

This all happened.

When I knew they were in me,

I was in them.

I was the universe.

They were the universe.

We were all One.

Musing 3: Protection

Protection under layers

It should not see

It should not hear

That way, nothing can touch it.

Nothing did.

But it felt lonely.

Isolated.

Unaccomplished.

Unnatural.

When the layers lifted and it flowed

Then there was freedom

Unity

Togetherness

Naturalness.

We don’t need layers of protection.

We need the vulnerability.

Musing 2: The Doors

Door shut on me.

Leaving me no air to breathe in

No hope to hold onto.

I could not see anything,

Enjoy anything,

Did not live.

Then the Higher Meaning appeared

Nowhere farther than in me.

I knew then

That the doors had shut

To open the doors in me.

Musing 1: Dark and Light

It was the depth of the dark

Where I considered home.

I had been there all my life.

Of course, it was home.

But I wanted light.

Looked for it too.

Light was not at home.

Then, I heard that sound

And I turned my light on.

Dark was still home.

But light was me.